With the kids returning to school this week, the relief many parents are likely to feel at returning to normal life may be compounded by the relief their children feel too. They are finally back with their friends, and far away from… U.S.
We can hardly blame them, of course. It’s the natural order of things. When children reach a certain age—usually in their mid-teens—the family vacation period can change from something cherished to a period of pain and suffering, where a group of individuals—strangers, suddenly—get together at very different stages of their lives. forced, and who each want to get something different out of it.
As a result, many people will come home from European beaches in August with more than a little bruise.
Nevertheless, says Sheri Jacobson, a psychotherapist and founder of Harley Therapy in London, this process is a developmental stage that we all have to go through, like a rite of passage. “It’s one of the most important stages in children’s development into adulthood,” she explains, “and it’s all about finding one’s identity and discovering a world that separates them from their core family.”
More of lifestyle
And so it’s not uncommon for kids who complain about school all year round, longing for the release of a summer break, to find that they can’t wait to get back to class.
“School is important on so many levels. It’s not just a place to learn,” says Ms. Jacobson, “but where children practice making adult relationships.”
But this can take their toll. “We often save our best selves for outsiders, for friends or teachers, and it can take a lot of hard work during school hours to keep up with those appearances and on a leash,” she says.
“That’s why kids on vacation with family just want to let it all hang out and be their real selves among the people they feel most comfortable with — even if it’s hard for the rest of us.”
The tensions after the holidays
Adolescence, as Ms. Jacobson points out, requires a process of gradual separation and confirmation from the individual, such as personal style changes, smoking, drinking, and a desire for Love Island binge eating.
The rest of the year, that separation is manageably facilitated by a busy school and social life, but on vacation, where each family member can never completely escape from each other, hot spots are inevitable. Now that they’re going back to school, parents may want to think about communication and reconnecting as you spend less time in each other’s pockets.
Those currently in their teens may also face additional behavioral challenges, Jacobson suggests. She says psychologists have seen more aggressive behavior in children since Covid than ever before.
“More suffering, more anger and even physical aggression are shown.” Why? “Well, there’s still a lot of speculation going on at the moment, but maybe that’s because I was locked up for so long during the lockdown and endured so much change. They are still trying to adapt and feel restless.”
How to reconnect?
Sheri Jacobson points out that while the flashpoints and suffering are heavy, it is worth the effort. Parenting is a long game after all. So how do parents begin to bridge a potential gap?
“The generation gap is inevitable, yes, and communication can be tense because of it, but psychologists advise parents to enter their children’s world, no matter how difficult it may seem,” says Ms. Jacobson.
“Show your interest in them, play video games with them, listen to their music. Find a way to get in. It can often take some digging to get to that common ground, but you shall find it. Non-verbal communication can be just as effective. Watch mommy Mia together. Just be in each other’s company.”
And if it all feels so pointless every now and then, Mrs. Jacobson says, keep going. A foundation is being laid.
“Our children are always learning life lessons, and so they will learn to have meaningful conversations with adults as we have more meaningful conversations with them. They pick up on our signals all the time.
“They notice whether we’re smoking, whether we’re talking about the movies we’ve seen, or the books we’ve read. Do we call loved ones to wish them a happy birthday? Do we talk while eating? And so on… Never underestimate the time you spend with your children.
“And don’t forget,” she adds, “that even the things young people seem to hate at the time, they will look back on fondly later on.”
This is perhaps the most important takeaway here, and something all parents should hold onto, not only for the sake of their children, but for their own sanity. It’s all worth it, even if it often feels like it isn’t.
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