Wildermyth is a game about creating legends, heroes whose stories of bravery and bravery are passed down from generation to generation. But the thing with legends is that the people behind them are often, for lack of a better word, pricks. You need only look to history for countless examples of this. Richard the Lionheart? Utter mess of a king. Christopher Columbus? So unbearably hideous that his medieval contemporaries thought him an idiot. Julius Caesar? Truly one of the most destructive people who ever lived, and he bragged about it.
So I want to create some legends that, if not exactly worthy of the title, at least accurately represent the type of evil personality that time and patriarchy have transformed into a role model. The kind of narcissists who genuinely believe that only they can save the world, who make the worst, most reckless decisions and yet somehow smell like roses. I want to throw a party of stupid, self-centered jerks, and lead them through the picturesque fantasy world of Wildermyth like a bachelorette party lost on the local golf course.
wild things
The rules
1. Characters always make the most reckless narrative decisions.
2. You have to live with the consequences.
3. Must try to complete the quest.
To do this, we’ll start with the launch campaign, the Age of Ulstryx, and create three brand new characters: a female warrior named Illa Broadmill, a male fighter named Claynoc Bottlepurse, and a male Mystic who is ominously named Grifius Kylling. I let the randomiser pick names, looks, gender, and so on, but I tinker with their personalities to make them as unfit for heroism as possible. Illa, the melee vanguard of the troupe, is a “bookish coward,” Claynoc is a “snarky loner,” and Grifius is a “decisive greed wagon.” I don’t know if “greedwagon” is the right word, but if it isn’t, it should be.
The opening scene of The Age of Ulstryx – where your party defends their village against a monster attack – also lets you establish specific relationships between characters. For Illa and Claynoc I choose ‘rivals’, because that is the closest thing to those who despise each other outright. I plan to do the same for Claynoc and Grifius, but the game won’t let me. Instead, I choose “romance” because I think the potential consequences are greater than in a mere friendship.
The quest begins with a pleasant level of dysfunction. Illa bursts through Claynoc’s door as the fire rages through the village. “Honestly, you wish you had skipped,” Claynoc murmurs as Illa pushes her way inside. The pair argue over what to do with the whole “monsters tearing the village” scenario before Illa picks a weapon to defend herself with. There is a pitchfork, a pickaxe and a frying pan. Of course I choose the frying pan. “I can’t believe I’m dying with you,” murmurs Illa.
Fortunately, the enemy at the door is a Roe, which is like a deer crammed into a microwave. Illa and Claynoc send it off without too much trouble and then meet with Grifius, who is exploring a ruined tower outside the city. “He’s not mean,” Claynoc says wistfully of his lover. “There’s just such unabashed self-interest in him… that makes me laugh.” I give this relationship six months at most.
The pair meet Grifius outside the tower, who casually announces that he is “conjuring now”. Because of this, they jointly decide that they are a company of heroes, who call themselves ‘The Wolves of the Candle’. I do not know what that means. I don’t think they know what that means. But it’s a better choice than Grifius’ suggestion, “Father’s Generation.”
Myth lasts
Ready for adventure, the Wolves of the Candle embarked on their first quest. What could it be? Saving a local farm from bandits? Help a traveling merchant who encounters problems along the way? Not quite. They enter a magical forest to cut down a sacred tree. This provokes the wrath of a ranger, who looks a bit like an Ent from The Lord of the Rings. Only in this version Merry and Pippin chop it into firewood. Illa expresses some concern about their complicity in deforestation in fantasies, but at this point the unbranded Treebeard is already in the pipeline.
After their contact with nature, the Wolves head into the city, where they recruit a new warrior named Frelwane. The game describes him as a “hot-headed poet,” which makes him sound like a fantasy Eminem. Anyway, Frelwane quickly shows his aptitude for the adventurous life, when the group encounters a trio of creepy, dancing ghosts. Frelwane decides they should join in, gently suggesting to Illa that this could be a “very bad idea”. Undeterred, Frelwane joins the spooky festivities. When he emerges, he is ten years older. At least the group now has one veteran, though by far the grayest part of Frelwane is his brain.
Led by Dim Shady, the group travels to the province of Ultol Dreamloom (ironically a nightmare to pronounce) where Claynoc, master of stealth that he is, is captured by a group of farmers who intend to sacrifice him to ‘ The Great One’. . His acquaintances discuss how to free him. Reason with the cult members? Or rescue Claynoc by force? I think we’ve already established that the wolves are not reasonable types. Force it is!
The attack goes well, in that only one of the Wolves is killed. As Frelwane and the others deal with the cultists, Grifius is caught on the flank by the Great and dealt a deadly blow. Knowing that his fate is sealed, Grifius rushes the beast and deals as much damage as possible before the darkness catches him. It’s a brave last act, although it would probably be more effective if he were armed with something other than a wooden spoon. The remaining Wolves finish the Groote with a spoon and then bury their fallen comrade. Claynoc seems strangely unfazed by his lover’s death, although it’s been about six months now, so maybe the shine is off.
The group works through their grief over Grifius by immediately hiring a new member, a female Mystic named Sina Shy. Shortly after, they achieve something vaguely heroic: they defeat a Gorgon who has turned an entire village to stone. They are of course too late to save the villagers, but at least they kill the beast. To celebrate, they decide to take ten years off, only to return to adventure when Illa discovers the location of a powerful weapon called the Seaspear.
Spear Factor
The reason Illa is doing this research is probably due to her book literacy, a trait enhanced by the fact that she has slowly turned into a tree over the past ten years. It’s all because of an enchanted splinter she caught walking through the woods with Claynoc, a splinter she left untreated because the Wolves of the Candle think “blood poisoning” is the name of one of Ulstryx’s henchmen. This isn’t the only transformation the wolves are undergoing either. Shortly after moving out of the house on their second outing, Frelwane demonstrates his knack for casually rushing for things by deciding to put his entire arm into a giant magic fire, turning him into a sort of half-flame elemental. Can’t say I’m surprised, the game did warn me that he was quite hot-headed.
In most fantasy stories, the middle chapter is the most exciting, the point where the heroes face their darkest moments, the challenges that will make or break them for the final battle. But The Wolves of the Candle aren’t like other adventure parties, and so little happens in their second act that you’d think it was commissioned by Prime TV. Most interestingly, they are recruiting another new member, a young fighter named Marti Burly. Marti’s main characteristic is that he is a huge goofball, as demonstrated when he describes killing a particularly gentle type of monster as “like popping a pimple”.
The raccoon shoots right into the middle of the party and explodes.
The party retrieves the Seaspear with few incidents, after which they take another decade off to recover from all that sitting around the campfire gnashing their teeth with the bones of their enemies. Illa’s transformation into a tree continues as Frelwane’s fiery infection spreads to both arms. This prevents both my warriors from wielding conventional weapons. On the plus side, the party is joined by Frelwane’s now grown son, Borwane. Unlike Frelwane, Borwane is a mystic, and given his father’s condition, he probably has a phobia of hugs.
Now six members strong, there is little to disturb the Wolves of the Candle. So when a mysterious storm begins to drown the land in the floodwaters, they decide to split into two groups. Young Borwane leads Marti and Sina to a way to stop the floods, while Frelwane, Illa and Claynoc search for distant lands. It may seem like they are on vacation letting the kids do all the hard work, but it certainly isn’t.
Nevertheless, things are looking good for the Pups of the Candle initially. As they travel to their destination Supplewade Cave, they are joined by a young female warrior named Hope. In a region known as Scantkiss Brooks, they bravely leap to the defense of a lone woman under attack by Gorgons. By which I mean, they use her as bait as they prepare to ambush the beasts. “We should use people as distractions more often!” says Hope, revealing herself as a natural Wolf.
Anyway, the battle is a disaster. The ambush goes well and the party takes down some nasty monsters. But they overlook a small, mutated raccoon that has been bewitched by another monster with a spell that makes it explosive. The raccoon shoots right into the middle of the party and explodes. Hope is killed outright, while Marti loses a leg in the blast. Borwane and Sina escape with relatively minor injuries, but their time as a solo party is over before it’s even started.
to cry
At least their sacrifice was not in vain. The older wolves made some remarkable discoveries while their younger companions were in the process of losing limbs and dying. That’s right, they found haunted cows! Yes, the most exciting thing that happens to Illa and Frelwane during this period is that they encounter a farmer whose livestock has been infected by Gorgon corruption. They can’t even save the cows. They just kill them and leave the farmer a little sad. Claynoc, meanwhile, tries to steal a jewel embedded in an ancient statue, ending up with a piece of it in his eye.
The two sides eventually meet at Supplewade Cave, and after what will no doubt be some very awkward conversations, they travel together to Dapplereign Altar, for the final showdown with Ulstryx. There is much melancholy talk about last stands and noble deaths here. “If I die today, I don’t have to live in a world wrought by my defeat,” Frelwane proclaims, with Illa gloomily saying, “Even in the relentless rain it was a lovely place to die.”
But in the end, the Wolves of the Candle kick Ulstryx out of the shit. They may be as heroic as an island of rats fighting for the last coconut, but they’ve become extremely good at killing things. And that’s how most legends begin. You don’t have to be a hero, you just have to be the last bastard standing.
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