I hate to tell you, gang, but (imho) there to be not good video game movies. Really, none. It’s like there really aren’t any good live-action anime movies. There are exceptions, mind you. But think about a live action A piece is going to be okay? Me neither. But while anime live-action on the skin of its teeth clings to respectability, video game live-action remains in the depths of the abyss. And I think it should stay there. So, for the purposes of the list, we’re going to categorize things from “pretty bad” to “very bad”. But everything on this list is really bad. So, so bad.
(Little Bad) The Early ’00s Pokémon Movies
Okay, so warning here, I thought the early Pokémon movies were the shit when I was a kid. When I saw Pokemon: the first movie in theaters and Ash was turned to stone, then was healed by the… tears of his Pokémon friends, my first grade heart was deeply moved. When Ash had to get the three elemental stones from Articuno, Zapdos and Moltres… Pokemon: The Movie 2000 (to God knows what to do for Lugia), I was thrilled. When I saw the Unknown fly out of an interdimensional portal to Entei’s castle in… pokemon 3 my prepubescent brain thought it was the best science fiction I had ever seen. But sadly, these movies don’t really hold up to re-watching. If anything, the titles should have betrayed it. The first movie has an unimaginative title Pokemon: the first movie and the full title of the third movie is Pokemon 3: The Movie – Spell of the Unknown: Entei. It’s really just Do you like Pokemon? Here’s a movie. The third. There is some unknown (buy all cards). Then buy an Entei toy.
These movies are made for one reason: to make money. Boatloads of it. And my God, they did. My dad’s goal was to keep a good job to get me through college (wrong), but instead he got screwed to spend money on stupid Pokémon movies because the world’s best marketing team told me to convinced I HAD to see them. I’m sorry, Dad. This is why I am not having children of my own.
(Pretty bad) Warcraft
This movie is not good. It’s weirdly paced, clunky, and it seems like a CGI program has thrown up all over itself. It does the thing that early Thor movies got it wrong. It gives us an absolutely ridiculous computer-generated world and then asks us to take it seriously. And no, I didn’t take it seriously. Nobody did. What’s the plot? I don’t remember. I saw it years ago and it was so forgettable that I literally do not remember. Two hours of my life, gone. What could I have done differently at that time? I could have put together some Ikea furniture. I could have written a nice poem. I could have baked delicious banana bread myself. But no, I watched warcraft, and I want my time back. Every night before I go to sleep, I ask God to put in two extra hours in my life to make up for the time and brain cells I lost watching this movie.
And yes, I know I said this movie was “less bad”. It can be viewed. We work here with a very low bar. The nothing but The silver lining this movie has to offer is I get to see what a baby orc looks like, and it was really cute. Also the main orc guy I remember was pretty cool. The human characters were about as interesting as a stubby toe, but actually me to remind a scene from the orcs. But they literally kill the orc’s main man, the only interesting character in the film, in a disappointing final showdown with Goldan, the main villain. They caught the bird that was my hope for an enjoyable cinematic experience, killed it, baked it, and fed it to me. I did not like it. Two hours, god. That’s all I ask.
(Bad) The Angry Birds Movie
What do you get when you try to squeeze a plot out of a mobile game without one? Nothing. You get nothing. Angry Birds is just that. It is nothing. It’s fluff and feathers. It’s a huge waste of time. The plot? Okay, here it goes: angry bird gets angrier because pig steals egg. That’s about it. It’s not funny. It’s not cute. It’s not charming. They just made it to make some money, and they made money. The film made more than $352 million at the box office. But… this is why this movie hovers in the middle of the list, the void if you will, I don’t know anyone who has watched it. Seriously. don’t know a person who saw that movie. No friends, no family, not even people on the internet. I haven’t even seen one review. It’s like it threw a brick through America’s window in the middle of the night, climbed in it, threw us out of bed as we slept, reached under the mattress, took our money and walked out and we don’t even have wake up. If I didn’t have to watch it for this article, I wouldn’t have believed this movie actually existed. And honestly, I can’t be sure they didn’t bump it when they saw me click ‘play’.
If you have seen this movie, please give me a call. I won’t laugh at you. I will not judge. I just want to know why. That’s all. Enlighten me. Teach me. Broaden my horizons. That’s all I ask.
(So Bad) Resident Evil
These movies are garbage can. Garbagio for strings. They suck eggs, a whole dozen. The worst thing is, there are six theirs. SIX. and people watched them. That’s like pouring a bowl of nails for breakfast and taking a bite, feeling them pierce your gums and then doing it five more times. Why are these movies so bad? them just to be. Asinian dialogue. Nonsensical conspiracies. Bad acting. They are just garbage. They’re not even scary! It really is a slap in the face for one of the best video game series ever made. And let’s face it, the story of the Resident Evil games are usually not that good. The characters are pretty one-dimensional and the dialogue is seriously meh. Don’t get me wrong, the series has some good moments, but the real draw of these games is the game. My God it is terrifying. Resident Evil 4 was the first game (and really one of the first media) that ever made me scream out loud. I ran from a regenerator (a monster that kills you in one fell swoop) and I turned a corner and ran in another regenerator and my soul left my body. I have given up the ghost. That was it. The problem with this series is that it takes away the one thing that makes real Resident Evil good. I do not want watch someone shoot zombies i want do it yourself.
(VERY bad) Super Mario Bros.
This movie is a horror show. A HORROR SHOW. It’s horrible. It’s wrong. It’s shockingly mean. Not only is it bad, its EXISTENCE is offensive. If aliens ever saw this movie, they would consider us an irreparable species and blow up the planet. And I would be obliged to agree to their decision.
Shot in the dark days of the early ’90s, this film is about the titular duo who run a plumbing company in New York City. Look, Mario and Luigi were never really plumbers. They never went to school for it. Nobody was like, do you know the only downside of playing Mario? I never find out about their plumbing business again. But this film took the idea, sprinted away with it, tripped, fell, broke a leg and then had to be put out of its misery like a horse in a cowboy movie. So, in the universe of this movie, the asteroid that wiped out the dinosaurs not done actually wiped out the dinosaurs, but instead created a gap in spacetime to create a parallel dimension where humanity evolved next dinosaurs. The result? Mario and Luigi eventually fall through the portal to “Dinohattan”, a place ruled by President Koopa, who is inexplicably played by Dennis Hopper.
What about Yoshi, you ask? He’s also in the movie and he looks like a… damn velociraptor. It’s not cute, cuddly, or anything else that makes Yoshi bearable. It’s nightmare fuel. It is the coal in the engine of a train to the 9th circle hell. The storyline is broken, the dialogue is meaningless, there are chain-sized plot holes, and all in all, the experience of watching this movie feels like diving into one of those green tunnels in the Mario world. But instead of finding gold coins inside, there is only confusion, darkness and the smell of raw sewage. This script needed a plumber to throw out the sheer amount of crap it exposes us to, but alas, it was too big a job for even Mario and Luigi to handle. They just aren’t good enough plumbers.
Featured Image Credit: Hollywood Pictures
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