A game of American football, although it usually lasts more than three hours, only contains about 15 to 20 minutes of action. Lots of waiting, scurrying around, chatting, huddled together, queuing up, yelling, watching, yelling some more, then an inevitable time-out whistle so there can be a long discussion with the coach, multiple times, standing in line and scream. When the ball is finally snapped, the actual play lasts, what, 10 seconds?
And while everyone involved is back scurrying around, it’s time for us to watch that 10-second action in slow motion instant replays from 14 different angles that could last several minutes. Hence the playing time of three hours.
This early access physics based soccer simulator – with a clever name Football Simulator (opens in new tab)-100% nails that aspect of the game but makes it way more fun than the real thing because the physics is absolutely amazing. Not amazing because they are so realistic, but amazing because they are not realistic at all and thus hilarious. Like Madden, Football Simulator is a soccer game on the pitch where you control the QB and call out shows, but the physics is so wacky and fun that I spend most of my time like I do with real professional soccer: the slow-motion replays see. Only in Football Simulator do I enjoy every moment.
It honestly makes it hard to finish a single game because even during a routine game, something weird and wonderful almost always happens that makes me have to watch the replay a few dozen times:
That’s just an incomplete pass that doesn’t even need to be replayed – except the umpire walks over, steps on the ball, spins backwards and then trips over a fallen player’s foot seems legitimate die, briefly performs some sort of swimming animation, then spreads out on top of another player who gets up and pushes the referee’s fallen corpse onto his face. How do you not watch that time and time again from six different angles? (Note: The referee did not die.)
One of the best things that can happen is when the game’s invisible math decides the game you’ve been playing is successful, but the game’s Three Stooges physics engine definitely disagrees with that assessment, but does. its best to make it work anyway. Below is the very first successful completion I made in my first game, and it’s a beauty. Here’s the replay in slow motion:
Yes, that is definitely a valid and successful passing game in the sport of real football. My quarterback wiggles around with his arm tense as four guys drive him toward the center of the earth. Just before being crushed under a thousand pounds of sweaty footballer beef, he gets the one-inch throw above the turf using (apparently) only the strength of his fingers. The ball spirals towards the receiver, who was tilted perhaps a meter and now stands motionless with his arms straight, waiting for the pass, which is the correct way to catch footballs. The pass reaches him at the shins, floats and then hovers at cock height for a few moments before being magnetized in his hand. At this point, the receiver performs the rest of the piece, which is called “panic and then immediately pancake.”
Physics is not just limited to the field. We see it all the time in real football when a player runs or gets knocked out of bounds and ends up in the crowd of seemingly thousands of football team employees who somehow all have to stand on the sidelines for football to take place. These non-players are pushed, bumped and occasionally knocked over. The same thing happens in Football Simulator. If you play your cards right, you can knock down a bowling pin formation of those coaches who presumably have some sort of soccer-related job but seem to do nothing but watch the game from an inch away.
And the shaky, distressed physics of Football Simulator doesn’t just ensnare the players, umpires, and impassive mobs of demi-coaches lurking on the sidelines. In season mode, you can play as the football team’s King Coach to experience the management side of the sport and explore the off-season facilities such as the practice field, gymnasium, auditorium and offices.
As you do this, the full football physics will be enabled. Here I am a professional soccer coach reporting to work on my day to do some professional soccer coaching like a pro.
It’s going to be a great season, I can see that. That is, if I ever get around to actually drafting a team and leading them, because I’m too busy diving on benches, bowling over cheerleaders and players, throwing brooms and getting completely beaten by kicks.
Football Simulator is pure physics fun and a welcome change from the Madden series juggernaut. It is currently in early access on Steam (opens in new tab), where future features include online multiplayer, the option to “wander the stadium between games” and even engage in physics-based brawls with unruly fans. It even plans a VR mode! That might lead me to strap on a headset so I can strap on a helmet that will be knocked off if I collide with a ragdolling umpire while he falls over in the middle of a play.
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